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| goodnight has never seems so bad |
| 07.08.04 (10:12 pm) [edit] |
And I have to admit that disappointment's never felt so painful. That I've never allowed myself to be so sure of something before and been wrong, but I guess there's a first time for everything. I've never felt so strongly that I could share something like that, never known anyone who would respect it the way I thought you would so you can only imagine how much more it hurt to be wrong. And I have to wonder if this is one of those red flags people are always talking about, the ones they only see when they reflect back on their mistakes. And I can't help but think that maybe everyone's right, maybe this is wrong.
And as much as I want to say it's just another bump in the road and things will staighten out soon, I have to worry that this could be a bump that becomes a mountain and then your worst fear, because everything's clearer from up there. Up there you can see life without the practical side of things and when you take those things away all you have to stand on is that promise that this is what you really want, but that has to go both ways.
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| a flashback so real I could almost hear their voices |
| 07.08.04 (7:17 pm) [edit] |
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Today I was stuck in traffic and running late to work as usual but how somehow figured I could still make it on time. And that annoying traffic from the interstate to 190 was yet again my downfall. Thankfully someone let me in and when I looked in the rearview mirror to wave a thank you I recongnized the couple in the car behind me. It was that maroon mini-van I knew so well and those friendly faces I spent so much time with. But of course it wasn't them because that's impossible. The Walters now live in Mississippi and are not the family I used to know. Mrs. Carol left us about 6 years ago now and Mr. Fred has long moved on. Valarie has gotten married and Tyler is now well into his childhood. And as for Lesley, yes Lesley with a y not an ie, is a complete mystery to me. I only wish those memories were that tangible, that they could be right behind me, that I could see them again, but I know that's impossible. I knew that at the funeral when Lesley wouldn't talk and during the service when Mr. Fred broke down. I knew then that things would never be the same and I still to this day wish I'd been wrong about that. But I'll always remember them the way I knew them, before cancer and broken hearts were apart of the picture. I'll remember the Walters as the family who taught me the most about love and loss and moving on and how the best people never get what they deserve.
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| one of those days when you laugh so hard your side hurts, and it's the best feeling in the world |
| 07.08.04 (6:40 pm) [edit] |
Yesterday was a feel good day. From working out to dressing up, we had a blast. Kelli and I decided to visit sean at work and after an awkward conversation with the hostess we finally sat at the table that reminds us of that week when everything felt numb and surreal and when we smiled the brightest and laughed the hardest...those were the days. Kelli and I got hit on by guys who were drunk enough to feel good about themselves but not drunk enough to have an excuse for the lame pick-up lines and pathetic conversation. (and I have to think how hard adam would laugh to know those infamous words,"hey y'all", were used as an invitation for company and how wrong they were) And I'll never forget Kelli's face as she tried to hold in the laughter and my polite conversation with one-word answers and how relieved we were when sean came to our rescue. The way they tried to sneak away from the table without being too embarassed and how ironic we thought it was that we were hit on while being waited on my boyfriend. "In sean's restaurant...you'd think they'd have more tact." And as simple as it ended, with a walk centered around the one thing only we understand and everyone wishes they understood...it was an awesome night. Cute outfits, good food, drunk guys, free coffee, laughing, shopping trips, caffinated best friends, and 2 miles of good conversation...I smiled a lot that night, and it was one of those nights when you lay down in bed, sigh and smile because things are that great.
And we saw him again today and it only made me more upset. Something about our past and present makes him something I can't ignore or even get used to. He's one of those memories that refuse to fade or even get dusty and I hate how he feels like that's okay.
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| sometimes you just want to believe what you know not to be true |
| 07.06.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
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When people tell you that these are the days when everything's different than it used to be they don't mention the changing. How you spend the first half of that carefree summer tying up the loose ends of the life you were so comfortable with and the second half pumping yourself up for the long hard drive that lays before you full of new experiences and chased dreams. The don't mention the dread of the past fading and the fear of the future coming; the way things seem so perfect right before they change forever. They don't tell you how you're going to miss everything you never knew you had, or how true the statement "life's not fair" will become. They leave out the part about how much you miss the simplicity of what your life meant or how much you'll want to not know where your going to be in 10 years. They forget about the money and time you don't have and the memories you wish you'd made but they'll tell you the truth...everything's different.
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| dreaming isn't a separate part of life, it grows right from it |
| 07.06.04 (11:41 am) [edit] |
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Last night I had a dream that I ran into an old friend from school and everything was still okay, we were still excited to see each other and anxious to catch up on old times. All I remember is the huge smile on his face and a long, tight hug followed by a sigh of relief and that wonderful sense of familiarity. And I woke up feeling thankful that I have people that unforgettable in my life. I hope that town treats him right and those guys don't ruin the only good thing they'll be around because they need him to learn from.
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| when I woke up today there were tears in my eyes... |
| 07.04.04 (5:56 am) [edit] |
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Today is the forth of July, a day generalized as a picnic, watersport, outdoorsy, family day that literally goes out with a bang. Everyone makes plans to bbq and everywhere you look you see cut watermelon and potatoe salad because it's just that kind of day. We made plans to do the same, follow the trend and host a get-together to add to the celebration. People will be there, frinds we haven't seen since graduation, friends we won't see again til the 10 year reunion, frinds of friends, boyfriends of friends, whoever wants to be there because it's a party. We planned it out and it should be a blast, plenty of food, some night-time fireworks and a good cook to make sure everything's tasty, but things seem to change a lot these days and normally with no explanantion and as much as I wish I could be excited I know tonight will be just as unexplained as the rest of them, I can't help but think we might be eating raw burgers.
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| the hourglass is small for a reason, the important things can't wait |
| 07.03.04 (10:16 pm) [edit] |
Waiting...it seems like the cruelest form of torture. I hate waiting. Waiting for something, for someone, waiting for the beginning, waiting for the end. Waiting can only make things worse. It forces you to think, consider, analyze, and regroup, and at the end of this process something is decided, whether or not it's acted on, a decision has been made and you are no longer where you were before. You've made progress, whether or not it was positive, you're somewhere new and you can never go back to where you were before even if you wanted to, even if he wanted you to, even if that was the only way this would ever work, but you can't...life lesson: have priorities, make them honest, and don't let the things that mean the most to you wait for you to be ready for them, because you'll realize, but only when it's too late, that those where the things that can't wait.
And I sit here tonight and reflect on the many times I've waited for something I considered worth waiting for and I'm disappointed to realize that normally they weren't worth it and even more disappointed...not even disappointed, hurt, genuinely let-down, to finally understand that this won't be an exception.
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| it's obvious how much is really left unsaid |
| 06.28.04 (8:25 pm) [edit] |
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and he probably won't call tonight just because I'll wait up for it, and he'll have some kind of excuse about "blah blah blah...are you mad?" and I'll say no and move on because it's truly not worth it to care, no one cares anymore...and i can't wait to be around someone who wants to impress me and make the night special, who cares enough to plan in advance and makes sure everything will be perfect. I have to admit that's one thing I know will be tempting, someone who wants it bad enough to work for it, regardless of convienence. Someone who sees something worth effort and who although working for the simpilest relationship, still finds it worth the effort to impress me. Yeah, that gets your attention.
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| only time will tell... |
| 06.28.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
I miss Florida and the magic of it and I wish I was back there again. Everything seemed good there, being gone was just what I needed and after being back for a few days I wish to be on vacation again. I like life so much more when you're 9 hours away. Life's best when you're close enough to hear about the highlights but far enough away to not be affected by the disappointments.
And it's conversations that end like tonight's that make me anxious for wednesday. I'm excited to have something to be excited about, something new and different, exciting and mysterious. It's rides home like tonight's when I think he deserves to be jealous and a little bit nervous, when he should call and ask for details of the night's activities and check to make sure we're still just friends, because as much as I know it's not something he has to worry about, it would still be nice to know I'm on his mind.
We visited dear LSU again today, just to make sure all was well. We were pleasantly surprised to finally have the fall become a reality, and better than we had come to expect. 436? yeah, even better.
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| not quite the good-bye I was imagining |
| 06.20.04 (4:44 am) [edit] |
the guys got a rude awakening tonight. Almost like for the first time they tried to make me feel below them and they didn't succeed. I have Sean to thank for that, and as much as I hated it and as much as I wish it woudn't have happened, it's still comforting to know he cared that much. Not just for me but also for Kelli because as he said "you don't mess with girls, especially my girl."
I leave for Florida today. A week away from this town and everything in it. I think that will do a lot of good, to finally be somewhere new and different and where you don't owe anyone anything.
But with all that happened, Josh is still leaving on Tuesday and I'm still probably never going to see him again, and it sucks because he was one of the few good things left about this town and it kills me how complicated the relationship now becomes.
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| no one thinks much of it, but it means the world to us all |
| 06.17.04 (7:13 pm) [edit] |
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something about the daily activities of Mandeville make you more sentimental. Maybe it's the timing or the location or just the realization that nothing's the same anymore, but you definitely appreciate it here. Like you know no matter what happens everything is going to be okay when you come back to this wealthy but endearingly quaint town, that when you're here the reality of life doesn't exist and you can still cruise the lakefront and appreciate the solitude it offers. Maybe it's because nothing ever changes around here and you know you'll always have that welcoming feeling of home when you return, but something about this young, wooded area makes everything seem easier and more approachable.
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| journaling old school style |
| 06.16.04 (8:55 pm) [edit] |
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I found my old journal the other day and began reading entries from the beginning of this year. I've noticed how I used to write, in detail, the highs and lows of even the common days. I could tell you most of my whereabouts through the entire months of January through March, but I can't tell you what happened last week. It seems I don't describe life as much anymore and instead of explaining the situation, setting, emotions, and complications of things I just skip to the analyzation and interpretation of them. I miss the times when journaling was a daily activity and a releif, when I always had that handy notebook nearby to capture every moment I knew I would one day want to remember. And I think it changes you, I seem to have remembered so many more of the little things when I journaled daily. And you relaize when you look back how important those little things are, because the little things of yesterday are the big things of today.
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| 207???yeah that'll do |
| 06.16.04 (5:29 pm) [edit] |
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We got our dorm assignments and after a day of anger and disappointment, we're making the most of it. It won't be that bad after all. We went shopping today, well more like browsing, and I think we realized not only how vital organization is going to be but also how real next year is. It finally hit that it's up to us to make this work, but I don't doubt that for a minute.
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| the truth doesn't just hurt, it kills you |
| 06.15.04 (5:42 pm) [edit] |
and it makes me realize how much I can't wait to leave and to walk away from you all once and for all and when you're staring at my back and it hits you that I'm actually gone I hope you realize what you're missing and I hope you regret it.
And it makes me not what to allow you to be around me. To see if you'd even miss it if it was gone. But it's becoming ever so obvious that you wouldn't and I have to admit that I'm dissappointed and to sum it up just hurt.
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| the heart of our past that makes the future seem so near |
| 06.13.04 (8:01 pm) [edit] |
the place where we're surrounded by everything we can't wait to get away yet we feel closer to the lives we're about to live.
We went back today and found that hidden house yet again. We get quicker everytime and it's never as amusing as the first but it still makes us smile to think of how far we've gone since then. It helps to be there and feel more at ease. Something about that place and what it represents makes it easier to breathe and bearable to keep going. It was good to think out loud and even better to know the only person that matters understands. It's going to be great, everything we've always wanted and we know we'll never let anyone change us and what we stand for but most importantly we know we'll change the world and make someone smile.
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| sunburn never felt so good |
| 06.08.04 (10:18 pm) [edit] |
"no, this is the first time beth's snuck out of the house, we have to take a picture."
Today was awesome, an all around wonderful day from start to finish, when everyone was so happy to just be together that we brought out the best in each other. I can't remember a single time today when I was unhappy or when I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. It was a true blue disney movie when everything works out and everyone is happy. I needed a day like today after the past few weeks, it's refreshing to feel that good. It's a great feeling, to go to bed with a smile on your face because you feel that great.
We got the pictures developed today and it was exactly the way I thought it would be, bittersweet. As much as they make me smile and laugh it also reminds me of a week when we tried to live fast enough to try to beat time. When every moment was a memory and every day an adventure but somehow it didn't work and tomorrow will come to take Adam away and i have to say it won't be the same.
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| that glimmer of hope, it never fails |
| 06.07.04 (9:29 pm) [edit] |
today, another potentially great day ruined and I got fed up. I spent most of the afternoon enjoying being apart of something great and wondering if I'd ever be as lucky as her. I don't know, maybe one day it'll all work out, the picket fence-rascal flatts-next door neighbor dream of mine, maybe one day I'll be worth it.
We made fondue tonight...well actually we melted chocolate(in phases) in a fondue pot and called it fondue and we were proud. It must have been a sight to see three people hudeled around a small pot on the back porch of a house at 10pm all trying to help at the same time determined that we could make it work. Sure I ended up with chocolate in my hair and sure I blame my lovely assistant Adam, but it was fun. Another one of those memories that, although rather insignificant, will stay forever in your mind because you remember that wonderful feeling of content.
Abram called again, he wants to hang out on thursday.
I'm ready to go, no more "north shore". I want something else, more options, more oppotunities, more people, more experiences, more chances to make mistakes and learn from them.
I saw a shooting star tonight. It was the hollywood kind, the kind you see coming and that lasts all the way across the sky and burns out right as you make your wish. The blue and red colors were amazing and the timing left me speachless. We always said that we beleived you only saw a shooting star when you really needed it...I saw a shooting star tonight.
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| in appreciation |
| 06.06.04 (10:17 pm) [edit] |
It's the end of the week. Tomorrow means another set of 7-24 hour periods grouped together for organization, but at this point I say screw the practical side of things that says to always know where you are, where you're going and where you've been because these days the last thing I want to do is understand how today fits into the scheme of things.
Kelli and Adam "kidnapped" me from work yesterday. They brought me to a surprise lunch and then Adam bought us fish. It was a time when you truly feel young and free. When, although you may only have a few hours and limited options, you feel like the sky's the limit and nothing can get you down. It seems there are never enough of those feelings, we need more of those uplifting days when you drive to Slidell and buy a friend a new friend just to help make everything okay. They knew I needed that, to feel special and worth the effort and it meant the world to see how much they cared. It made me smile, thanks guys.
It amazes me to see how much Adam cares about her. He's so in love with her that he'll do anything in his power to make her happy. Things that are important to her suddenly become equally important to him and it leaves me awestruck. He's an awesome guy, I'm thankful I've had the opportunities I've had to make the memories I've made of him. I can't imagine being in her position, not being able to be with him. His friendship alone means the world to me, why are the best things in life hardest to come by?
The point is...he doesn't have to care that Sean screwed up again, or that things really aren't as great as they seem. He doesn't have to show sympathy when he sees that hurt look and he doesn't have to cheer me up when he knows I'm on the verge of tears. He doesn't have to ask if everything's okay or give us an hour to go for a walk. He doesn't have to tell stories of faraway places and weather I'll never understand, he doesn't have to be patient during the whispering or play along with the schemes. He doesn't have to make everything better or remind me how much is out there. He doesn't have to be my friend or even care about what I'm not saying, but he does and I'll be forever grateful for that. Thanks Adam.
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| she's lucky...someone deserves to be that lucky |
| 06.05.04 (5:57 am) [edit] |
I couldn't even look at your picture last night, the entire thought of you upset me. For once the last thing I wanted was to be woken up by a phone call from you, but as always it was nothing to worry about because to you it didn't mean that much and of course everything will be fine, but one of these days you'll realize it was never fine.
And I have to wonder if she understands, if this ever happens to her, because it shows this week, everything they can only talk about and I'm so happy for them. I know he's something great and I'm so glad to see them this happy. They're something worth holding on to, I wish that was more common, you never see that anymore.
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| if only you knew... |
| 06.04.04 (10:56 pm) [edit] |
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one day you're going to realize how much you never knew. You're going to finally understand that things change and words aren't set in stone. You'll learn that plans are altered and promises can be broken, you've taught me that yourself. You'll learn the hard way that some people will only take so much and no amount of excuses or smooth talking can change that. It'll hit you that hurt feelings can't be exchanged and emotion is stronger than any physical characteristic, that the good things in your life shouldn't be taken for granted because as much as you need them, you know they could do better. You'll eventually learn that most people give a first chance, few allow a second chance, but barely any give a third. In my opinion, if you didn't learn the first time, you don't deserve another opportunity. One of these days you'll realize that the people worth holding onto are the easiest to lose and the true blessings in your life are worth keeping around no matter the cost. I hope one of these days you'll figure out what you want and you'll work to acheive it because untill then nothing in your life will be a success. But with all this said I know it'll do no good. You'll still carry-on without a care in the world. But I do have to say that when you wake up one morning and realize how much you've lost because you were too blind to care, you're going to want more than anything to have it back. But at this point I think warning you is more than you deserve...
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| "normal" from a new perspective |
| 06.04.04 (11:25 am) [edit] |
we went to lunch today at that adorable cafe kelli and I have become so fond of. We sat at the same table in the same chairs and it was cute as always, but something seemed better today. Like we were content.
I got to 'bond" with Adam. He says he'll show me his culture, explain what it's like to not be in Louisiana, to be somewhere else that I'm not used to and where things are different. We'll see snow and snow shoes?, go to a massive mall and see the ball drop right in front of us. It'll be a new experience. One for the books.
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| a day when everything was so great is was un-bear-able |
| 06.02.04 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
today was one of those days when holding hands is even more cute than normal and sitting through "wonderland of Ocean" or whatever it was called was slightly amusing...but only slightly. Only on days like today would kelli and I travel across the lake and not end up in a mall, or would ending up on the westbank seem typical. Today was one of those days when everything was so picturesque and cute that it seemed there wasn't nearly enough pictures to remember it all. It was one of those days when you didn't want to go home or even back across the lake because you didn't want the day to start being normal by any stretch of imagination.
Tonight was one of those nights when you walk inside the front door, close it and lean against the back of it and sigh because everything is that great. One of those nights when you feel lucky to be you and have a guy like him, and when all you want is for that hug to never end.
it's a great day to be alive
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| the kid we never thought would end up meaning anything...he's back |
| 06.01.04 (8:49 pm) [edit] |
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Adam comes tomorrow, and with him he brings all the wonderful times being in love comes with. When, for once, the rules don't apply and we can all be happy for the mere reason that we're together and only we realize how priceless those moments are.
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| it's painfully obvious |
| 05.30.04 (7:12 pm) [edit] |
School’s out and summer’s finally sinking in. Vacations are beginning and relationships are suffering. Quality time is few and far between and phone calls are lifelines, and while I sit here and think about all of this my screensaver comes on and suddenly pictures of senior year are being flashed across the screen. And I wonder what happened to the time and what will become of the people that have become so important to me.
And as I catch-up on everyone’s life and how things are going I realize how amazingly forgettable I am. And I have to admit, it hurts.
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| red, white, and blue |
| 05.30.04 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
Kelli and I ventured across the lake yesterday to celebrate yet another acheivement in Jacob Robert Rongey's life. He graduated, good for him. Somehow the both of us managed to reach that mark this year, and it meant the world to share some senior memories together. We did it, and at the end we both knew we wouldn't regret a moment, because we lived it well.
And everyone was there. That little school with it's graduating class of 69 was celebrated yet again. That graduation represents the last affiliation I'll ever have with John Curtis and I'll take the things I cherish with me. The massive parties, intense football games, and the three boys that have always been proof that there really are good guys out there and family is priceless.
On the way across the Causeway Kelli and I laughed as we reflected in old elementary jokes and things of the past. We decided we were lucky, lucky that we were old enough to have memeories and young enough to remember them.
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