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| coffee comforts all |
| 12.24.03 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
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He said we should get some coffee and talk. tempting, very tempting. I love guys that drink coffee. They seem more pensive than other guys. It seems like they're content to walk a little slower, think a little more and every now and then take a moment to sit, relax, and brethe in life. It seems like they don't rush through life all the time. They appreciate the value of some down time to reflect. I like that. Someone who's not afraid to analyze what's happening around them, good and bad. It seems like these guys are more honest and trustworthy because they've taken the time to decide what they want, something many guys don't do. I've always found comfort in the guy that you can open up to while sitting at a table in a cafe sipping on your favorite drink. It seems like you share something with that person that, although many people share, no one understands like the two of you do. If you drink coffee you obviously like it so therefore drinking it would make you happy. Maybe it's just the idea of doing something that makes you happy with someone who also has the potential to make you happy that makes this habit so attractive to me. Maybe it's the stereotype guys in coffee houses have, they're always the quiet guys that go unnoticed but in some blockbuster hit the popular girl ends up revealing a side of him that makes him irresistable. Maybe it's because coffee comforts most people and therefore they are comforted by others who drink coffee, I don't know, but whatever it is I like it.
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| it's all or nothing...no looking back |
| 12.23.03 (8:59 am) [edit] |
I have a plane ticket to Orlando on Dec 27. I shouldn't worry about it, everything will be fine...yeah, I'll be fine.
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He wants another chance. After Monday night I figured that much out. He said he made a mistake, and he wanted to fix everything. He said he'd earn my trust back, but does he deserve that chance? He screwed up pretty badly. Remember that night? "you're a really sweet girl and you have a killer personality, but I think we should just be friends." I knew it was coming, I could just tell. I remember just staring at him, waiting for an adequate explanation. He didn't have one, well he did, but he was ashamed of it. That should have been a red flag right there. I just smiled, patted his hand and said "have yourself another drink, in fact, have two." and I walked away. He didn't know what to think. I guess he was waiting for me to ask for an explanation or ask for another chance but I didn't need either of those. If he didn't want me then the feeling was mutual. I didn't want to know all of the details or what about me just wasn't good enough. That was something I had no desire to hear. I got up and walked away and didn't look back and it killed him, I know it did. He wanted me to be upset and to wonder what went wrong, but I wasn't going to let him know I had cared. I was moving on and I was okay with it. I think I beat him at his own game. Yeah, a week later and he's all over me talking about all of these "mistakes he's made lately" Now he wants "something real" but I don't think he knows what that is. I don't think he really knows what he wants. I guess I can't say I know what I really want, but I do know what I don't want, and that's to play games. I don't want to give him that opportunity. He's done it once and I'm not going to let him do it again. We're going out with everyone after work tonight and I plan to set the record straight with him. It's all or nothing, end of story. He just has to decide what's most important to him and forget about everything else, no looking back. There's no way he knows what he wants, because if he did he would have already gotten it.
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| worldwind |
| 12.21.03 (5:52 pm) [edit] |
worldwind, yeah I think I chose the right title for my journal. Everything's crazy now. It's getting better, but it definitly got worse first.
"I could live a thousand years, if I could be alone with you" "I was the onw who saw you first...I never knew what was in front of me."
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| the hardest part is letting go, even though I know you're going where you need to go |
| 12.16.03 (9:13 am) [edit] |
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I went to the party last night. It was just what I needed. Perfect timing. I had a blast, and the best part was walking out of the building with Wes knowing I won. That's probably the last time I'll ever see Wes, he's moving to California to meet up with his band and chase his dream of being a rockstar. I envy his attitude and determination. He's going to be famous one day. He said he'll send tickets and I can come visit him, that's a nice thought. It eases the pain caused by saying good-bye, but I know we won't ever hear from him again. That's okay though, as long as he's happy where he is doing what he's doing then I'm happy for him. He's a great guy. It's not going to be the same without him. That's okay, he deserves this opportunity. I'm just happy to have had the chance to be apart of his life for a little while. Seeing that look in his eyes, I know he's going to be great.
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| here we go |
| 12.15.03 (3:09 pm) [edit] |
no school for three weeks, just in time. My patience was starting to wear thin so I think this break is well deserved. Tonight is the Christmas party for work. 21 and older...hmmm.
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He's gotten worse. Now he's won't even respond, they can't wake him up. They're thinking about moving him to a new department in the hospital. I forget what they call it, but the point is it's where they put patients that they can't help anymore. They bring them to a special department and wait for them to die. I don't know who decided that a patient has no hope, but I still believe he can beat this thing. He has to. It's Christmas. I don't think I could handel that. A funeral on Christmas, it just doesn't seem like something God would do to anyone.
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| sometimes a flash from the past is just what you needed to make you appreciate the present. |
| 12.14.03 (8:33 pm) [edit] |
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I saw Albert tonight, man it's been a while. Seeing him reminded me of how things were this time last year. I was dating Todd and was just starting to hang out with all the college employees. I remember the first time I went out with them and how parinoid I was that I would get caught. I've relaxed since then. I've made alot of mistakes, learned a few lessons, and discovered what my limits are. I've been through some tough days where I wonder how I got to where I was and when all I want is to leave everything and go back home where I'm still a kid, not even given the oppotunity to make the wrong decision and where it's almost impossible to get hurt. Those were the days when I learned the most valuable lessons, not thanks to anything but my bad judgement. I've grown alot over the past year. I've had alot of bad things happen to me, but have also been able to enjoy alot of wonderful moments that I will never forget. I think I've grown up alot in the past year and a half, probably thanks to the things I've been exposed to, but I also had somewhere to go that reminded me how great it was to still be a kid. I think I've learned alot of lessons that are enevitable, and I'd rather learn them now, when I have people to support me in case it's a hard lesson than to wait til I'm on my own and all alone. I've noticed lately that everyday, every single person I interact with plays a part in my life, whether it's obvious or not. But you know what scares me? [i]I feel like the people I'm surrounded by and the situations I'm being put in are about to teach me a very important lesson, and I'm worried I'm not ready to learn.[/i]
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| can't you do something? |
| 12.10.03 (1:24 pm) [edit] |
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I hate it, you always realize what you have when it's being taken away from you. He was fine on Thanksgiving. Big huge smile, strong, loving hug, and a twinkle in his eyes. What happened? Why did it happen? Can't you fix this? You can do anything, please fix this, please. I want him to see me graduate, I want him to be proud of me, please fix this, please.
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| thanks |
| 12.09.03 (8:27 pm) [edit] |
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tonight we had a kellibeth walk, where the best conversations are held. We were discussing how we hoped others remember us as an impact in their lives. She said that if it helped to know, you've changed me and had an amazing impact on my life. She said I'd taught her how to look at things differently and offered a new perspective. I realized that if she's the only person that will remember my impact on them then that's enough. That's all the encouragement I need.
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| congrats |
| 12.09.03 (3:29 pm) [edit] |
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He got into ULL. I'm so proud of him. Despite the events of that night that I guess I'll never understand, maybe for the better,he's a good kid. He works hard for what he wants, and I know he cares. It may just be that the time's not right, but I know he'll be in my heart forever. Either for what we were, could of been or are yet to be, he's changed me. I've learned to not judge others and that the things you feel passionatly about are worth fighting for, even if you don't win. Congradulations Cliff, you'll be great and I hope all your dreams come true, because you deserve it.
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| winter...sigh |
| 12.07.03 (1:37 pm) [edit] |
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well one week down, one left to go. I'm so excited about winter break. I love this time of the year, everything seems more sentimental and it always feels like anything is possible. I love that feeling. The feeling you get when you smell a christmas tree, or wrap a present. I love finding the perfect thing for everyone and knowing it made them smile. I love being outside with a coat, hat, gloves and a scarf. It's the perfect time to enjoy the outdoors and you can't help but be in a great mood. I wish winter came several times a year, because I love the way this weather makes me feel and how when it's christmas time everyone seems much more appreciative of the little things that often go unnoticed. Well it's my last christmas at home, and I hope it's a memorable as it always seems to be. I guess this is the year that I'll appreciate all the little things. The christmas tree decorated with every single ornament my brother, sister, or I have ever made, the candelight service on christmas eve, and the wondeerful memories that are made when everyone is content with just being alive. Maybe next year I'll finally see snow, that would be a new kind of christmas. Yeah, I love this time of the year, who could ask for anything more.
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