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| strike one: I think cloud 9 is thinning |
| 01.29.04 (10:34 pm) [edit] |
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I know it's not a fight, just an argument, but not even that really. I guess I shouldn't have said that, but it's one of those things that you think in your head every time he says he's going home. Everytime I want to say "no you're not, you're going out with everyone and you're going to have a blast. Then you'll get home at 3 a.m. and pass out. You won't wake up until 3 p.m. then you'll go to work where you'll see me, who's been up since 6 a.m. for school and you'll make some joke about school and how much it sucks that I have to go." It's not that I'm jealous, or that I'm annoyed that he's having fun without me because I don't want to be with him on nights like tonight anyway, but I guess it bothers me that we don't have that in common. I guess it's just that constant reminder to me that we're not in the same place. I'm graduating this year and heading off to college to study for several years, get a degree, and work as a micrbiologist studying cancer. He's cooking, for who knows how long and where that'll lead him. Yeah, he's high up in the company and will make respectable money to support himself nicely with this new promotion, but something about the way our two lifestyles clash bothers me. I don't know if it's because it's not what I always imagined,or if it's just something I don't trust. I guess I always thought I would meet my guy in school where we would have 7 hours a day in common. That he would be the perfect guy. Clean-cut, repectful, smart, goal-oriented, polite, well mannered, everything parents would approve of, and I look at Sean and I see so many reasons why I should never tell my family about us. He's just not the guy my parents would imagine...he's not the guy I ever imagined. I don't know what my problem is, but it's killing me. This unrestful feeling has been driving me nuts. I feel like something's not settled between us and everytime I'm with him I try to figure it out and everytime I'm awayI can't help but be worried that my heart is trying to tell me something. I'm so terrified of being hurt that I almost refuse to allow myself to be put in that position. I feel like my life and his are totally different. My plans for the future seem so big and complex and his life as a whole seems so general, no plans at all really, just kind of roll with the punches and see where you end up. I'm not like that at all, and my future is anything but short-term. I keep thinking that maybe that's what scares me so much about Sean and I. He may not have the rest of his week planned out, let alone his life, but he seems to know that we're going to be okay. I don't know how he can put that much trust in us, because I don't have a bit of that trust in it. I still think it could crumble any day,I just feel that expendible to him. I know that's not the case, or at least he's not given me any reaons to beleive that, but I think I haven't been given any reason to trust that I really do mean something to him. Tonight was horrible. I was looking forward to the call, to hear him say he would wake up early to call me before school, or wish me sweet dreams and a good morning,but it went nothing like that. He was distracted, maybe that's what bothered me, I felt like he had no attention for me. Inknow he didn;t mean that, but the more I think about it the more I realize how rarely we are just we and no one else. But anyways, maybe it was the discussion of him going out and me writing an essay that made me angry. Maybe it was the fact that I could hear him, but I couldn't see him and I couldn't feel him, and I felt like it was empty, meaningless, and only done because of tradition. I don't know why this has me so upset. It's not that drastic. I hated the way we hung up. he seemed to be upset about my comment and I told him I was just joking, but fine I guess I'll talk to him later and he said I'll talk to you later and hung up. It seemed so angry. I know it wasn;t, afterall it could have been so so so much worse, but the whole conversation was completly void of emotion and I guess I was just looking forward to that and I was dissappointed to not find it. I hope everyting's okay. I know I won't say anything to him. Not a single word, because obviously he's the one that's annoyed, not me so I'll give him his space. When I see him tomorrow I'll just keep walking, act like I did in the old days when we really weren't talking, and if he cares enough he'll want everything to be okay again. If he cares enough it'll bother him way before he sees me again. Why do I know this?...because I care enough and it's killing me already.
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| is it just me? |
| 01.26.04 (8:08 pm) [edit] |
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well today marks one month. Whew, I guess that's something to be proud of, it's a small benchmark but it is one nonetheless. I'm ashamed to say I didn't think it would last this long, but Sean's taken me by surprise. We went to dinner last night and he started talking about how he's been saving up for an apartment, and since I'm moving to baton rouge next year he might just wait to get one up there this summer and transfer to the b.r. branch of the restaurant. I didn't know what to say to that. He's thinking long term, not a couple months, he's thinking 8 months ahead and beyond. I didn't expect us to still be dating in April let alone September. I don't know how he can get so wrapped up in this relationship. It makes me wonder if I should talk to him about it. I didn't go into this thinking it was a lifetime commitment. I really didn't think we would last more than a few weeks, but here we are, january 26th, and apparently everything is going strong. It's not that I want everything to fall apart, but I know that I don't plan to be with him too long. I think he's a great person, and I know he cares about me and I care about him but I don't tihnk we are meant to be together. Maybe for a little while, to teach each other some things. I 'm teaching him to set goals and work to acheive them, to make a future for himself, not to wait and expect one to appear. He's teaching me to beleive in love, to trust it and not run away from it or take it too lightly. I'm learing alot, about myself, others, my dreams, how much they mean to me, and how strong I really am in my beleifs. I'm glad that I'm having the experiences that I'm having, but I don't think this relationship is meant to be anything more than a stepping stone. A transition that we both need. I know this relationship has been more of a flirty friendship at times and I think thos were the times when I enjoyed it the most, just being with him, having his attention, giving him mine. I just love knowing I'm important to someone, and someone cares. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship as committed as this one seems to be turing out to be. I'm trying to keep an open mine, we have a while until this is an issue anyway, but the idea is a little bizarre...or is it just me?
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| falling...hard |
| 01.23.04 (10:48 pm) [edit] |
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Should I be worried that everything is working out? Should that make me nervous? Going into this I really didn't have much hope for a long-term relationship. I assumed it would be okay for a week or two, we'd tell a few people we were "talking" leave it at that, and just kinda stop soon after, but that's not happening. It's actually looking good, really good. I'm starting to trust it more, to beleive that it's something I can rely on. Something that is more than just a spur of the moment or an easy target. The more time I spend with Sean the more I see his earnest feelings. He's not the guy I assumed he was. He doesn't try to lay the charm on, or to trick you into some huge plan, he's straight forward. He doesn't use korney lines and overdone gifts to show you he cares. He doesn't have to, his actions say it all. The way he calls every night and wishes me sweet dreams and a good morning, and that look he gives you when you walk by, kinda like..."wow, look at her, she's amazing." The homemade chicken noodle soup when I'm sick and the [i]request[/i] for my presence at dinner leave me in awe. I never told him what it takes to impress me or how to earn my trust, he just cares. I've never seen someone act in such a giving way, being more concerned with your wants and needs over his own. As much as it scares me to know it, I have to admit...yeah, he's pretty special.
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| memories of you |
| 01.23.04 (10:32 pm) [edit] |
I wonder if I'll ever forget all of the people that have made an impression on me these past few years. I realize I'm about to go off to college and as hard as I try, I know things will change between us. Calls will become scarce, memories will fade and friendships will become distant. The people I am influenced by now will soon no longer have any effect on me. New people will come into my life and I will adjust to my new surroundings. I know it's inevitable and everyone goes through this. I wonder if I'll remember them, if they'll remember me. I wonder if I'll be one of those people that sticks in people's minds years after I'm gone. If I've had such a dramatic impact on someone that would make me unforgetable. I know I have people like that. People that I know I'll never forget, even if they forget me. Whether or not they realize it, these people have taught me something. Whether it was about life, happiness, love, loss, or myself, they've taught me something, something I was so deeply affected by that they will forever be in my thoughts. I'm thankful for these people. Some of them were friends I knew for years and others were people I never even talked to. Some were best friends, others strangers on the street, but nonetheless, they all futhered my understanding in one way or another. Some taught me lessons I don't think I was ready to learn, but looking back on it they were just what I needed. I think sometimes an outsider looking in may understand your life better than you simply because they aren't you. They aren't in your position, dealing with your problems. They're just looking in and can give unbiased opinions. I just wonder if I'll ever see these people again, and if they'll ever know what they meant to me.
I can tell that you don't know me anymore. It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget, being down this road is anything but sure. Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget.
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| it's pretty amazing |
| 01.21.04 (8:01 pm) [edit] |
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Sunday night, an innocent affair. It was wonderful to feel so comfortable with him and I being an us. I don't know if it was the house, Kelli, Sean, or just the mood, but something about that night made me not doubt our relationship. Everything was fine, good to go, don't worry. I didn't talk to him until Tuesday night. I was starting to get annoyed, convinced he wasn't going to call that night, and my cell phone rang. The caller ID read "Sean calling". It's kind of weird how the sight of those two words makes me forget about whatever's on my mind and suddenly all I care about is him. I don't know what it is, but it's pretty amazing.
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| sweep me off my feet |
| 01.10.04 (10:49 pm) [edit] |
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We were talking about relationships and what scared us the most. She said she fell to fast, let others get into her and beofre she knew it she was wrapped. I said I don't trust guys and almost refuse to let someone get that close. We discussed Sean and how I felt I wasn't being fair, not allowing myself to believe in the chance. I don't understand how he can possibly care so much for someone he hardly knows, I don't see how she can believe he's being honest. She said "beth, you can tell. The way he looks at you...he's in awe. Completly focused on you and only you. You've got him wrapped, and as much as you hate to admit it, he's sweeping you off your feet."
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| nothing like gossip to get the ball rolling |
| 01.10.04 (10:27 pm) [edit] |
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we've been hanging out alot and everything is great...I hate when others get involved. There's no need for their opinion or input on the relationship. That's what always screws everything up, other people get in the way. I thought this was going to be easy, we'll keep it to ourselves, no reason to hide it, but no reason to annonce my personal life. I guess he thought otherwise. I'm not mad, I guess I should be happy. Obvioulsy he's that proud of the relationship that he wants others to know and therefore will hold him accountable, I can't complain. But her? She's the ;ast person I wanted to be apart of this. I guess this is the part that makes the relationship real, when others start watching you, taking notice of what you're doing. Almost keeping score. I'm not sure I like that, it's a challange of enough without them, but it doesn't seem like we have that much of a choice now. I guess this is when it all comes down. When we find out how much this means, and if it's worth working for... yeah, I guess this is when we'll know.
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| one for the books |
| 01.02.04 (11:48 pm) [edit] |
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Florida was amazing. The remote atmosphere, the soothing water, and the calm pace life runs at was a nice break from reality. I have alot of wonderful memories from that trip, ones for the books, and I know I'll never forget them.
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| on my mind |
| 01.02.04 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
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well here we go, hold on tight this may be a bumpy ride. He said everything, exactly the way I wanted him to. He had all the right answers to all the right questions and it seemed like a sincere conversation. That was last Friday. I said we could give it a try and see where this takes us. I'm happy I decided to take that chance. It's been great. Every night in Florida I always looked forward to the midnight phone calls from Sean asking about my day and how I was doing. It's wonderful to know I'm on his mind, he's on mine too.
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