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| but, what if she really was? |
| 02.29.04 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
he looked at her as if she was somehow special
and for a moment she seemed to think
that maybe she was.
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| attached, but unlike velcro, this isn't painless |
| 02.29.04 (12:48 pm) [edit] |
Life is amazing, absolutly wonderful. Everyday is new, with no mistakes in it, and you have the chance to make what you want of it. Isn't that awesome?
_________________________ ______________________
Everything's going good in Mandeville. Sean and I celebrated 2 months this past week, and I asked him all the questions that have been in the back of my mind since we started dating. He's always talking about us in the future. Next year is a common discussion topic, where he'll be and how we'll work out being an hour and a half away from each other, and this weekend he brought up 2 years from now. He;s always been so confident about where we are, where we're going, and that we'll be together. It's always been reassuring to know he was thinking long-term, but it made me curious at the same time. So, friday night we were sitting in his car at the lakefront, just talking and I mentioned college. Sean started talking about moving to B.R. and transferring restaurants and I just asked him flat out why? I asked him everything and more that had been on my mind for so long. All the questions the guys always seem to ask the girls...how do you know? what makes you think we'll still be together? are you happy? how do you know I'm everything you ever wanted? and most of all, what makes you so sure? Sean has always been the guy that hides his emotions well, and doesn't seem to stress about anything, but I wanted to see his emotions and what made him stress. He always says everyting right. He's the guy in the movies that is completly swept up and undergoes some amazing transformation when [i]that girl [/i]walks into the room. He did it again. He siad it all, just the way I would want to hear it, with the sincerity, tone, emotion, and truth that every girl needs, and he did it. I told him he was the guy in the movies that makes the audience sigh in unison. He says the lines that cause the infamous "awwww" and he does it without the script. Maybe that's what always makes me second guess him. He seems like he's saying the things that I want and need to hear when I need to hear them in the voice I want to hear them in. I asked him:
~why do you think this is going to last? because I can feel it. There's something there that I can't explain but it makes me know that everything's going to work out just fine.
~why me? I've never felt this way about anyone. When you walk in, the room lights up and nothing else matters. When you're around I change, all of a sudden all of these sweet things come out of my mouth and I can't stop smiling. I don't know what it is, but it's you that's doing it to me, and I'm happy. You make me happy.
Everything I asked, he said the right thing. He's great, and that scares me. I always worried that I would get hurt, but with him I'm more worried that I'm going to hurt him. I pride myself in the fact that I'm rather independent and self-sufficent, but the more time that goes by, the more I trust him and the more I confide in him. He's becoming more than a boyfriend, he's becoming a best friend. He's the person I like to tell my problems to, who asks about my day and what's on my mind. He cares and I'm becoming attached to that gaurentee. It scares me to be attached to anything, let alone anyone.
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| a brighter day |
| 02.23.04 (9:14 am) [edit] |
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he called me last night from someone's cell phone. I didn't know the number but when I said "hello" the reply was "hey baby". It took me a second to understand, but then he said "where are you?" I told him I was at home. He asked me how soon I could be at the lakefront and I said 10 minutes. He said "good, because I need a hug, bad." I got ready and jumped in my car. I was so excited, but so nervous to see what the past few days had done to him. I was relieved to get out of the car and walk into Sean's open arms. It was one of those amazing hugs when all of the stress and worry that's been loading you down for a few days is lifted away and suddenly nothing matters more than the present. I heard him sigh a sigh of releif and he pulled me away and looked at my eyes, I guess checking to make this was all real, and he just smiled and said "I thought about you the whole time, I couldn't wait to see you and here you are." Everything felt better with him last night. I felt better, the world wasn't as cold and the road not so dark. I could breathe again. Hope was restored and I felt my strength increase. Everything was better, and that meant something to me. What? I'm not sure yet, but it's special. I'm glad I know Sean's special even if I'm not sure how yet, I know he is, and my faith in us is unlimited. He might be the right guy after all.
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| you won't be there |
| 02.22.04 (12:03 pm) [edit] |
They’re all excited, they want you to come. It's exactly what you would have loved, to get to know them, for them to know you, but you're not here and I don't know when you'll be back.
This is one of the few things that could make everything else better, but it won't because you can't.
_________________________ ______________________
I miss him, I need him right now. I need alot of things right now. A friend would be nice. Why is it that life has to be all or nothing all the time? Why is everything okay then it all falls apart. You don't just lose one friend, but both friends as well as family. Why do you have to be all alone? Why do you have to feel like no one cares and know that no one understands?
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| it's the freakin weekend, baby I'm about to have me some fun! |
| 02.20.04 (1:30 pm) [edit] |
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whew, I made it. School's out for 5 days and it couldn't have come at a better time. No more tests, homework, or early alarm clocks. No, now it's time to focus on New Orlean's culture...Mardi Gras. Yeah, second round in Mandeville. Last week's parade wasn't too great. It rained, and was ridiculously cold, the route was different than normal and thus caused even more confusion to those under the influence. Several people just walked around all night, too confused to understand that they were drunk, cold, and wet and obviously misinformed. But we made the most of it. I have to admit, although I'm still feeling the effects of a night spent in the rain, hanging out with Kelli and Sean was the best. Kelli and my "attitude problem" mixed with Sean yelling "BEADS!" was entertaining enough to ignore the rain. But tonight is Orpheus, the guy parade, and the weather is beautiful. Clear skies, warm sun, it should be a pleasant 60 degrees tonight. you gotta love Louisiana weather. They changed the route back to last year's and that makes tonight all the more exciting. It's something special to have a tradition so widely celebrated that they close down major highways and businesses close early just to be apart of the communitiy's celebration. Old friends come back to visit and new friends are introduced. Pictures are taken and memories made, some will later be regretted but others cherished forever. I guess what I love the most is how Mardi Gras is what you make it. You could round up your closest 50 friends, park your truck on the parade route, and bbq; you can be more of a drifter and really refuse to plant yourself, walking up and down the route seeing familiar faces; or you could just camp out in the median with someone who's company you enjoy and just appreciate being able to spend that time with them. Whatever you do, your bound to have fun, because that's the point around here: party. I love it, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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| hope...sometimes it's the only thing left |
| 02.15.04 (8:37 pm) [edit] |
Hope for the moment. There are times when it is hard to believe in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough. When this happens, concentrate on the present. Look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, sleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the stars will shine and tomorrow the sun will shine. Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tomorrow.
night
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| meet and greet;sink or swim |
| 02.15.04 (11:19 am) [edit] |
I've been trying to prepare my parents for tonight's meet and greet. Something about introducing your parents to your prom date and having dinner makes me fear disaster, especially because they don't know everything. In fact they knew barely anything. They have no idea theat we've been dating for almost 2 months and they think we're just friends. THat should be interesting. Hopefully the conversation will be kept to a minimum and there won't be any clashing stories. That would be bad. Yeah,I'm pretty nervous. This could either make everyting easier and more truthful, or screw me over beyond repair. I hope Sean realizes the importance of this and how much this forst impression means. Hopefully everything will be great...hopefully.
man, this is like a freaking movie
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| let the good times roll |
| 02.08.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
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today Kelli and I took pictures. That was really fun. I decided the best thing to get me started on Sean's valentines day gift would be to start with the only thing he's ever really asked for, a picture of me. So I wore my hair curly(he loves my hair curly) and found a red rose and kelli and I went to the nature trail. It was really fun trying to look pensive and mysterious. I hope they come out good, I think I'm going to make them black and white though, it'll add character. So I still don't know what to get Sean, that's really starting to stress me out because v-day is right around the corner. But better than that is friday, EVE PARADE!!! I'm so excited that Mardi Gras is finally here. I love Mardi Gras, it's the biggest party and it lasts 2 1/2 weeks and ends with a blowout. Three days that even the public school system realizes they can't control so they shut down school altogether. Three days filled with parades, parties, and complete chaos. I love New Orleans culture. King cake, doubloons, and a community that dedicates three days to throwing the biggest party around. And it all kicks off this Friday and doesn't stop for two weeks. I can't wait.
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| I hate bridges, you never know when to cross them and when to burn them |
| 02.02.04 (7:24 pm) [edit] |
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I had another one of those talks with Sean. It seems like the best time to ask those questions is when he's least expecting it, that way he answers quickly and honestly and doesn't read too much into it. I think I ask him the same things every time but I just ask them differently, seeing if one day he has a different answer, but so far he's confidently answer the same every time. Always..."yeah, why wouldn't we still be together in a year?" and "Of course I'm still happy, I've never been this happy before, and if that changed I would tell you, but I can't see that ever changing." It's always positive and always reassuring, but a little unnerving at the same time. A year is a long time and alot can happen. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
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| no regrets |
| 02.01.04 (12:59 pm) [edit] |
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Sunday-dinner date, Tuesday-phone call, Wednesday-car ride, Thursday-worked together, phone call, Friday-went out with him and the gang after work, Saturday-short visit, Today-superbowl party with him... I see Sean all the time. I barely go a day without talking to him, and I see him several times a week. I like that, he makes me smile. I wonder if he knows that. I don't think I show him enough. He's always telling me how he loves everything about me and how he would rather hang out with me than everyone else, and I never tell him anything. I just smile and look away, refusing to accept the compliments, but acknowledging them all the same. I don't think he notices the lack of reply when he talks about the distant future. He'll tell me these huge plans for this summer and next year and I just smile and change the subject. I wonder how long this really will last, if I'll be wrong about us, afterall I haven't thought much of us yet and we're still here. I wonder if I'll look back on some of these journals and laugh because I was so pessimestic and untrusting, or if I'll read them over and over in the near future convincing myself that I knew it wouldn't last, the entire time. I guess I'll just have to wait and hope I don't do anything I'll regret...I hope I never regret anything.
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