Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
2004 January
2003 December
2003 November
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| sleeping is the only time when nothing seems to go wrong or change. I find comfort in that. |
| 04.30.04 (1:13 pm) [edit] |
|
senior trip is over and things are back to normal, but not really. Things are never normal these days, everything's crazy. We have 4 "real" days of school left, then 4 days worth of exams and then that's it, it's over. All year I've heard from everyone that senior year is going to go fast and to enjoy it as much as ou can because you're going to miss it, and I'm glad to say that I took their advice and made a real effort to make the most of the year and participate in the activities. I tried to meet new people and keep old friends, and just soak up the feeling of being where I was in my life, and I have to say it's been great. I do realize now, however, that no matter hard you try, that it will still be over before you know it. This week has been kinda hard, getting back from senior trip and jumping back into school when all I wanted was to go back to florida and everything it meant. It was hard to get focused knowing that we were practically done and even harder to understand why we were still being taught new things. So many things are suddenly hitting me that really make me wonder about the future. Everything from Sean to Europe, LSU to Stanford. It's all so complicated, and exhausting, thourougly exhausting.
|
|
|
| |
| there's no stopping me, or the inevitable |
| 04.21.04 (8:35 pm) [edit] |
|
When I opened this page I recieved a pop-up, nothing new, it seems every now and then they get past the blocker. But this is the first one that's ever grapped my attention. It has two people in black and white kissing and holding flowers that fade from white to pink. The caption says "love is in the air." The black and white atmosphere portrayed by the picture reminds me of a picture that comes in a frame, and those photos are always in Paris or Rome, somewhere sendimental and romantic. That made me think. I'm going to Europe in a couple years, I'm going to live there and try to truly capture their culture and understand what it's like to be somewhere new. A semester is a long time, alot can happen, everything can change.
|
|
|
| |
| blow the dust off the album and take a minute to reflect |
| 04.19.04 (9:57 pm) [edit] |
|
Senior trip-Friday. I'm excited. It's short and to the point and way past exhausting, but it sounds like the best way to end the most amazing year to date. Sure, it's a trip where we miss minimal school, ride in over-stuffed greyhound buses that never seem to break the 70 mph speed limit, get no sleep, are accompied by paranoid teachers, can't bring cell phones, have to share a bed with someone and a shower with three other people, have strict dress code, and don't stop long enough to know what we're doing, but it sounds like the trip of a lifetime spent with 250 kids that have made me who I am. I might not like them all, in fact I know I don't care for most of them for one reason or another, but these are the same kids I graduated middle school with and the same kids who attended Woodlake with me. They've taught me alot, whether about what I like or don't like, or how I want to be, but mostly how I never want to be. These are teachers who have watched us mature from spineless freshman to proud seniors and seen our best and worst. These are people who, though I will probably see very little after graduation, have been in my life while I grew up. I still remember Bobby DeVay, Katie DeLuca, Travis Henthorn and I in Mrs. Motlezon's 4th grade class and how much I didn't like Christina Donze then and how that lack of repect has continued for 8 years now(alphabetical order was a curse). But I remember the playground and fieldtrips, art fiesta and music class. Those were the days, just like this year had those days. The mark events, senior section of the stadium, ring ceremony, our last homecoming and our senior prom, how we almost lost Bernard, and the uproar that we caused. These are all considered part of "the days" in my head and I'll cherish them all as if they were ancient, because I know that eventually one day they will be faded and I'll miss them.
|
|
|
| |
| please say good-bye and mean it |
| 04.17.04 (10:26 pm) [edit] |
|
I hate how the past seems to haunt you even after you feel you've settled it. It's not that it was ever really settled, but it was definitly one of those unspoken agreements that everyone knows not to mess with. Why do some people think they're above that? That they can come and go in people's lives as they chose. I hate how he double sides everything, making it impossible to understand your relationship or where you stand with him. I hate how he seems to get everything he wants and how nothing has ever been hard for him. I hate that I know all of that about him and he knows just as much about me. I hate that I allowed him to be apart of my life for as long as he was and I have no desire to continue our relationship. Don't tell others you know me or that we're friends. Don't hold conversations to find out how I'm doing or mention that you noticed me the other night. Save it, I don't want it, none of it. Not the attention, the reminicing of memories and inside jokes, or the small talk about how we've changed. I want to forget about it. The weekends and phone calls, the encouragement and inspiration, the laughs and especially the cries. I'm done, I've learned my lesson. The lesson that teaches you that love is so much more than what you've always dreamed of, that you can't just be open to the ideal, but also to the abstract. That the past is the past and all the thinking and analyzing of it won't ever result in a rewind button. That although mistakes are good in moderation, they only work if you learn from them. And most important: words are cheap.
|
|
|
| |
| To say that you don’t regret anything seems like something you’ll eventually regret. |
| 04.16.04 (10:11 am) [edit] |
You make realize that sometimes people are only in your life to teach you a quick lesson and leave, that not everyone is meant to be apart of your future. I’m realizing that mistakes aren’t bad because they teach you a lesson, either about life, love, happiness, but although everyone goes through it and recovery is possible, these mistakes can hurt, a lot.
I wonder sometimes if my refusal to fall is going to make me stand upright for so long that I forget how to do anything else.
|
|
|
| |
| enough luck to last forever |
| 04.15.04 (7:08 am) [edit] |
|
"why did we, of all people, get stuck with the delinquents of society and then be stupid enough to fall in love with them?" ~one of the late night conversations had by kelli and I when we realized exactly how insane our lives are when the guys are around and how much worse it would be if they were together. It makes me laugh when I think of how perfect everything's worked out. Although it may not seem perfect every step of the way, at the end of the day, and especially during kellibeth walks, we realize that we really are lucky to have these guys in our lives. That despite the short tempers and lack of communication skills when it comes to law enforcement, these guys are wonderful. They makes us smile, sometimes way too much, and they are sincere, even when it sounds cheesy. They're awesome, and we're lucky. Lucky to have guys that make us laugh forever, make everything memorable and still sweep us off our feet every time.
|
|
|
| |
| learning the hard way is sometimes the only way to learn |
| 04.12.04 (10:26 pm) [edit] |
I find it amazing how much I seem to ignore. I've trained myself to avois thinking about things I dread and feelings I'm afraid of and it's starting to get me in trouble.
_________________________ ______________________
I'm noticing more and more that my definition of "figuring something out" doesn't always correspond to the rest of the people in my life. That just because I've thought up a way to make it work from my point of view doesn't mean that everyone else will agree or things go as planned. I guess it's becoming obvious to me that things can't always be worked out and not everyone walks away happy. I have to learn, I guess the hard way, that things happen that you don't see coming, people come and go without your permission and life's twists and turns aren't mapped out. Sometimes you're going to make mistakes and no matter how much you hate it regret will surface somewhere down the road. But I also have to learn that not only does the undefined future hold hard lessons and rough days, it also holds pleasant surprises and second chances, and those are the things that make the unstable ground worth walking on.
|
|
|
| |
| a different pace to walk at |
| 04.12.04 (10:24 am) [edit] |
|
spring break has now offically started and it hasn't been anything amazing. Plans haven't worked out perfectly and the future looks rather bleak. I guess it'll be a relaxing week, which might be the best thing. There's been alot on my mind, alot to figure out in the next couple weeks and it might be good to get a head start on it. Graduation announcements need to be addressed and my senior book assembled. I need to soak up the lack of education so I can be successful the last few weeks, and should allow myself to shop for next year's dorm furniture. I guess everything's been so fast pace these last few weeks that it seems wrong to just stop now. Maybe this will be a good chance to spend more time with the people that normally blend into the chaos. It might be nice to see them without the drama, that's always refreshing.
|
|
|
| |
| breathing more easily |
| 04.11.04 (9:32 pm) [edit] |
Today I got to see my family again. It was great, we haven't gotten together since the funeral and I was relived to see that everyone was doing okay. Kelli got to come too. All day she was an Ethridge and then a White. Everyone took her in as one of the family, and it made me happy to know they care about the people I care about. They all wanted to see prom pictures and hear the story about how our night was. It was kinda nice seeing them get excited about the night's activities, our dresses and the boys. It made it seem real again.
_________________________ ______________________
Kelli and I got to talk again. Our infamous wanderings both metal and literal seem to have been taken for granted, but we finally had a chance to catch up and I think we were successful. I always feel better emotionally as well as physically and it seems I can always breathe a little easier afterwards. For some reason that sleepy neighborhood with the cute houses and "favorite family" make the future seem more distant and the past more dusty. It seems like the day's activities lessen and the present slows down to offer more time for understanding. It's a sigh of relief followed with an unspoken agreement, we're in it together.
|
|
|
| |
| looking deeper |
| 04.09.04 (11:28 pm) [edit] |
Today was great. It started and ended with Sean, that's always nice, and in the middle I had a blast with my hostesses at work. All of those girls are awesome, they make Copeland's seem livable. They're each so unique; you have Kate-old fashioned and southern, smart, driven, and halarious, next there's Meredith with her soft-spoke personality and low self-esteem. She's beautiful but thinks little of herself and doesn't see how much she has to offer, but she's a sweetheart all the same. There's also Angela, the blunt one, and Elizabeth, the daydreamer; Gina, the strong one who's a constant reminder to me that girls can do anything guys can do and still be the girl every guy wants. There's Audrey who insists you stand your ground and beleive in yourself, she's young and beautiful, but responsible and mature. She's the oldest of us, but still laughs at all the jokes while still being an excellent source of advice she encourages you be young as long as you can. They all add something to the mix and when you put us all together we have a blast. We gossip about our lives and discuss our problems, personal and casual. I trust them to have my best interest in mind and be honest with their opinions. We randomly plan outings and bonding activities outside of work because we're always saying that we should all hang out more and how much fun we would have. We all care about each other and that's what I find so amazing. There's no secrets or snobby remarks. Everyone gets along and no one's left out. I think they are one of the few trhings I'll miss about Copeland's at the end of July, knowing there are girls out there who have either gone through what I'm going through or are going through it right now, that some girls understand that there's a medium in between personalities and what works well together. I love how real they are and how I never doubt them. I like feeling apart of these girl's lives, they're awesome people and I'm lucky to know them. We get the job done and we do it well, you can't mess with us, we're the A team.
_________________________ ______________________
We watched [u]How to Deal[/u] tonight. It's one of those movies that make you believe in love and it's power. You reconsider ever giving up on anyone or not having enough patience. It teaches you that sometimes the best things in life take time, and come when you least expect it.
|
|
|
| |
| classic and romantically timeless |
| 04.07.04 (6:33 pm) [edit] |
|
We watched the prom video today. It made us glow. It was wonderful to feel like we were back there with our whole night ahead of us. We were oblivious to the night that was we were about to experience, to everything that would happen and what it would mean in the end. We looked through the pictures, again trying to savor every last memory because we never want them to fade. Adam's coming back in June, a summer romance with all the classic obstacles; distance, time, money, the future. It's priceless. You can just tell, they have something, something wonderful and rare. They'll make it because they want it that much. I admire their determination, it's like a Dawson's creek only their's no shortcuts or take two's. It's all or nothing, but I can already tell this won't be a typical teen sitcom, love like this can't be scripted.
|
|
|
| |
| take a deep breath and hold on tight |
| 04.06.04 (7:20 pm) [edit] |
|
we voted for class...things today. Song, colors, quote, and flower. We also has a senior meeting. It's starting to get close, about a month now. It was weird being in the cafeteria with my fellow 400 classmates in the senior class listening to graduation preparation. I looked around at everyone, staring blankly at Dr. Morgan. We look so young and naive, like we've gotten ourselves into something we aren't ready for. The worst part is that there's no looking back anymore. It's gotten to the point where it's all or nothing. Seems like life just turns out that way sometimes.
|
|
|
| |
| tears comfort all...? doubt it |
| 04.05.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
|
We pride ourselves on the fact that we never fight and we talk everything through. I'd love to take credit for that, but it's not true. We don't fight, mostly because I hate fighting. I don't think it solves anything and in relationships it only hurts and normally the damage in unrepairable. But I wonder sometimes if getting mad about the little things is the only way to change anything. I've always promised myself that I wouldn't be one of those girlfriends that make guys cringe, that I wouldn't be clingy or overly-sensitive, that I wouldn't ask him what he did last night or if this outfit made me look fat, but when it comes to saying you'll call or come over and you don't I do have to admit that I get bummed. The calling thing isn't so bad, that happens alot. I understand that things come up and plans change, but when you say you're going to call that night or the next day and you don't it does bother me. It's not that I neccesarily had to talk to you but I was expecting a phone call. If you wouldn't have said that you would call then I wouldn't have given it another thought, but when you say "I'll call you tomorrow" and I don't hear frim you until 4 the day after I have to admit I'm slightly annoyed. I never show it of course because it's not a big enough deal to get upset or even mention, but it does get to me. But when you tell me one day that you'll come over the next day I look forward to it. Sometimes that's what gets me through the day. Normally it doesn't affect me, afterall there's alot going on during the day, but every now and then when you're having a bad day and nothing seems to be going right, the plan for the evening gives me that last bit of patciene because suddenly I have something to look forward to. So, when it's been a bad day full of dissappointments and sighs of fustration the realization that you "lost track of time" hits harder than it normally would. I must admit, you were the thing that made today liveable, the only reason I got through the day in a mediocre mood, but as the clock struck 8 and my phone was still silent my hopes fell again. And I don't mean to blame the entire day on you because it's not your fault that things were exceptionally bad today, but you just didn't help anything and I wanted you to. I told you that tonight, I made sure you knew that "I wasn't mad and everything was fine. Not to worry, just enjoy your day off, do what you want, don't worry about me" but I'm sad, really sad. All I needed tonight was a hug from someone who cares and to feel content agian. To be in your arms because for some reason I can breathe more easily there. I'm mad at myself for not telling you the hard truth but instead sugar-coating it to seem unimportant when it's the thing that's ruined my day and made me cry the night away, but I know guys don't have times for all that sappy stuff anf I like being a girlfriend that sees that, but I expected Sean to meet me halfway. No, so now I'm off to bed to make the most of the rest of this night. Nothing. Maybe it's just a good cry that wo=ill make me feel better.
|
|
|
| |
| stay for a while |
| 04.05.04 (4:03 pm) [edit] |
|
Prom's over but the smell of cologne and corsages still lingers in the air. The photoalbums are still being assembeled and the flowers far from dried out but it is over. Now we have to regroup, take a deep breath and sigh then try despretly hard to put another foot forward and keep trucking. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I'm content to stay in this moment and soak it up. Why rush into the next week so soon and focus on the future when the present is so wonderful?
|
|
|
| |
| P-R-O-M...what does that spell??? |
| 04.05.04 (3:45 pm) [edit] |
|
Prom. One word has never meant so many different things all at once. It was wonderful, everything I ever hoped for and more. Looking back on it I can't beleive everything fell into place so nicely, we were lucky...really lucky. I can't even begin to describe the night and everything it represented. It was full of twinkling stars, bright smiles, smooth dances, long kisses, comforting hugs, unending jokes, and lifelong memories. I'll remember so much of that night forever. I guess because for the first time I went with someone who meant something to me. When people ask about Sean he's not "some guy" or "just a friend". He's so much more than that and that made the night magical. Everything we were worried about proved us wrong. Sean and Adam got along great, you would have thought they were best friends. I loved that. The boys did it for us, they were just lucky that their personalities were compatiable. I met Adam, one of the guys that brought Kelli and I together in the first place. He's just as wonderful as Kelli has always described and I know why he means so much to her. I admire their relationship and how real it is, and although it may be tough to keep and not easy to maintain, it's worth it. They were so cute and Kelli was so happy. I've never seen her smile so much and in the pictures you can see that we were way past content, we were in love.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
