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| it's painfully obvious |
| 05.30.04 (7:12 pm) [edit] |
School’s out and summer’s finally sinking in. Vacations are beginning and relationships are suffering. Quality time is few and far between and phone calls are lifelines, and while I sit here and think about all of this my screensaver comes on and suddenly pictures of senior year are being flashed across the screen. And I wonder what happened to the time and what will become of the people that have become so important to me.
And as I catch-up on everyone’s life and how things are going I realize how amazingly forgettable I am. And I have to admit, it hurts.
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| red, white, and blue |
| 05.30.04 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
Kelli and I ventured across the lake yesterday to celebrate yet another acheivement in Jacob Robert Rongey's life. He graduated, good for him. Somehow the both of us managed to reach that mark this year, and it meant the world to share some senior memories together. We did it, and at the end we both knew we wouldn't regret a moment, because we lived it well.
And everyone was there. That little school with it's graduating class of 69 was celebrated yet again. That graduation represents the last affiliation I'll ever have with John Curtis and I'll take the things I cherish with me. The massive parties, intense football games, and the three boys that have always been proof that there really are good guys out there and family is priceless.
On the way across the Causeway Kelli and I laughed as we reflected in old elementary jokes and things of the past. We decided we were lucky, lucky that we were old enough to have memeories and young enough to remember them.
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| not sugar-coated |
| 05.30.04 (12:45 pm) [edit] |
"It was one of those nights when you were drunk enough to relax, but sober enough to remember." Not literally, but figuratively speaking, that summed up this weekend. It was a strange mood, lighthearted but dreadfully personal. It was good, saying the things that would normally result in an awkward silence, but we got through them. We were brutally honest with each other and it was the best thing that could have happened. Sometimes being blunt results in the truest understandings.
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| assuming, you know what that does |
| 05.26.04 (6:35 pm) [edit] |
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5 months today. That's pretty much all there is to say about that and it kinda hit hard today. The fact that there's a thousand things to say about everything but none will be said. They'll all be ignored, surpressed for another few weeks, convinced that they're not important and can wait "just a few more days for a more appropriate time". That kills me. The great thing about having that someone is knowing they'll be there (wherever that is), when you need them (for however long), to help with whatever you need from them. Yet here we are, stuck in a position where none of the rules apply but the logical ones that say: "life goes on, whether or not you want it to and sometimes things just don't work out according to plan."
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| adjustments are just a nice way of saying change without scaring anyone |
| 05.25.04 (7:33 pm) [edit] |
So, it's all over and back to normal, or as normal as can be expected. Everyone gets out of school tomorrow and I'm kinda dreading it. There's just something about getting things done while everyone else can't that makes the day seem so much more productive.
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I got to hang out with him for three days in a row this weekend. It was wonderful, it spoiled me. It made me think about next year and how much easier everything will be, how it'll finally be about us and not everyone else's interpretation of us. It made me realize that we need to talk and it can't wait any longer.
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I got to work with Elizabeth today. I used to avoid those shifts, but now I look forward to them. She's great, much more down to earth than everyone else has been lately. It's nice to feel like someone else has been there, done that, that they're going through the same thing. It's refreshing to feel like for once the phrase "I understand" goes both ways.
It seems like these days the name of the game is adjusting, everywhere you look, adjustments
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| one foot in front of the other |
| 05.18.04 (8:06 pm) [edit] |
Another day of graduation pratice today. We walked, sat, walked, sat, received our cap and gown and left. It was boring, just like yesterday was and just like tomorrow will be, but I have to admit, I soaked it all up. All the gossip, chatter, loud shouts, mispronounced names, all of it. Although the most exciting thing was when the bird flew in the gym and hid in the ceiling. I know it was one of the last chances I'll have to be with my class, as a senior, and I want to remember this feeling.
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I train a class at copeland's tomorrow, but I haven't read the material, bad teacher.
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Kelli brought up how much has changed since january. It scares me that I can't remember how things were before everything got better I never thought about it, but so far this year has been one for the books.
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today was one of those days when you listen to country music and sing at the top of your lungs. When it doesn't matter if it's raining, you're in a skirt, or you're not exactly sure how to get to where you're going because you feel good about things. Whatever is on your mind is temporarily unimportant and for a split second nothing matters. I need more of those days, they're refreshing.
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| it's all piecing together |
| 05.15.04 (8:57 pm) [edit] |
I saw Nick today. He just got back form Iraq this week and it's for good this time. It was a relief to see him safe and sound, to know he'd been to hell and back and still proudly wearing his camo uniform. The reunion was bittersweet, good for everything home meant to him, bad for everything he means to me.
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I didn't sleep well last night. One of the worst night's sleep I can remember. I've never been one to lose sleep over anything, even worse, nothing.
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Graduation recognition at church tomorrow. We'll be presented to the congregation as the future and everyone will be proud. They'll make us stand up in front of the church and play a slideshow of our baby and senior pictures. And all the mom's will cry.
and times like this make me happy for the way things worked out, or more how they didn't work out. Happy to know we won't share this experience together, that this is something he can't touch.
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I train another class at copeland's next week. I'm starting to realize how much I do for them that they don't realize and how much they're going to miss that when I'm gone.
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everything's sudddenly really hectic and I miss the habit of using my FHS daily planner to keep everything straight. Although it doesn't seem like I'm doing too much of anything, next week will be anything but dull, but maybe that's what it's going to take to keep me from getting caught up in the excitement, maybe this is all exactly what I need.
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| breathing easier |
| 05.14.04 (1:26 pm) [edit] |
"That Winter Of '95"
do you remember when we
used to talk on the phone for hours,
or just kill time by
counting stars before we went to sleep?
do you still think i'm funny?
do you...still think i am?
well, at least to one of us.
sometimes i get a little out of hand.
i've made so many friends, so many plans,
a million people and too much time
that i don't have.
the joke's on you...i don't understand myself.
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I sat and stared at the sky.
I knew I'd find myself there again.
I wonder how else to cope with the air.
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| bottom line |
| 05.14.04 (12:16 am) [edit] |
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at the end of my ranting and raving about what I didn't understand and why it isn't fair, and before the moment when it all clicked she asked me..."does he make you happy?" Plain and simple, yes or no. No tricks or multiple meanings, no debating or discussion, just the truth, short and sweet. And I remember being scared to admit it..."yes" because to me that represented another one of those weaknesses I'm so catious about, more proof that he got to me, another example of something I don't understand. But she's right, at the end of the day despite the exceptions and details that's what matters. Nothing else, not the past or the future, the ifs, ands, or buts, or the fact that you don't understand. Just the fact that you're happy and he makes you happy. That's all you need to make today worth it, worry about tomorrow later.
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| what I wouldn't give to go back just a few hours...I'm sorry |
| 05.14.04 (12:04 am) [edit] |
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tonight was one of those nights when it all fell apart. When all the little things added up and made one huge reason to have one of those serious talks that always end with that awkward silence that makes me wish I never brought it up. It was one of those talks where alot of ground was covered and alot of topics discussed and was overall a good thing, but I have to say that although it was something we needed to talk about and it's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders to know we've reached an understanding, I do have to wonder how much it hurt him to hear me say those things. For me to be blunt and insensitive for the reason that I needed to know the unfinished truth. To push the issue so far when I know the situation. I feel like I've been selfish and unappreciative of his constant support and love, that I've been so wrapped up in the reasons to doubt that I haven't given it a chance to make sense. He couldn't have said it more clearly...faith.
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| too much too fast |
| 05.12.04 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
it's nights like this when I realize I've bitten off more than I can chew...
and I have to ask, does it ever get easier? Do you ever really know what the right thing to do is? because it seems like it's just the luck of the draw, and I've never really been that lucky.
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| life from the other side of the fence |
| 05.12.04 (8:58 pm) [edit] |
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I wonder, sometimes, if everything in life is a lesson to be learned. If anything is actually simply just what it is. It seems like everything we do these days is suppose to inspire us or teach us, expose us or preach to us how to live a better and more fulfilling life, how to be more happy. I wonder if sometimes life would be better if we blindly and not knowledgably faced everyday. I sometimes have to think that lifesyle would be more fulfilling. To actually be able to make mistakes to learn from and not understand why things happen because although I am a strong beleiver that everything happens for a reason, I also think somethings are just mistakes that went too far.
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| and it's over |
| 05.11.04 (6:49 pm) [edit] |
today was sad, really sad. More upsetting then I imagined. Something about seeing that empty hallway seemed different today. For the first time I didn't have somewhere better to be and I just wanted to soak up the last bit of senior year, to feel for just one more moment that sense of belonging that I've come so accustom to. Leaving today seemed cold and lonely and made me not want to think about graduation. I just want to consider this as a time of relaxation and reflection, a break from what we've considered life for the past 10 months, to just enjoy being at the point of our lives that we're at. I figure reality isn't neccesary for another week or two which is good because the reality is that we're grown-up and I don't want those rules to apply yet.
The doors at the end of the mall looked more friendly today. The sunlight was streaming through and one was propped open and made me feel more at ease. For some reason knowing that when I walked through that door it wouldn't shut behind me made putting one foot in front of the other not so hard.
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| the year recapped |
| 05.09.04 (9:52 pm) [edit] |
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January was hard, on so many different levels. Something about cold weather makes the sad things in life seem so much more desperate and the happy things all the more ironic. Feburary is romantic, no matter how you play your cards. The scent in the air makes you want to be in love, all reality aside. March was uneventful and felt like a slow torture to April which meant everything we'd been looking forward to all year: Adam, Prom, Spring Break, and senior trip and it flew by all too fast. Then May rolled around and it's been a month of anxiety and stress, reflection and regret. It's represented with random pictures, season finales( both in Hollywood and Mandeville), final exams and graduation announcements. It'll be closed with a red diploma and pictures that will be cherished for years to come because the reality will hit that we'd just experienced the end of alot of comforts and traditions, and even worse alot of relationships.
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| for the first time no more means never again |
| 05.09.04 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
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well, only two days left, 4 hours. Then it's over. No more lockers, hall passes, tardies, id's, detentions, guest passes, notes from your parents, bells, or 7 classes a day. No more high school. That'll all be over. And I have to say that I am excited, but you're always excited to say good-bye to that for the summer and not have to deal with it for 3 months, but this year is different. I've never really had the opportunity to get used to the thought of not going back to all of that in August and now I don't have a choice, I have to accept it. I think that's the worst part because I know that I've served my time and that I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things, but the thought that I can't go back to it if I wanted to is what makes everything seem so dreadfully final. I wouldn't ask for another year or even another week because I know that I'm ready to leave and move on and I can't possible handle any more days of this limbo in between adolesence and adulthood, but the idea of everything I've known for the last 12 years suddenly not applying anymore scares me. I won't lie, I'm terrified.
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| chapter 2? |
| 05.06.04 (1:23 pm) [edit] |
today was my last real day of high school. Was it sad? kinda. Am I excited for next year? definitly. Am I ready for what next year means? not really. Is LSU ready for me? no way.
Today was very surreal, it didn't feel real, nothing felt final, but it was. No more physics, no more Bernard, or not officially anyway, and the last homeroom I'll ever attend. That was the worst part, looking around the room at the same kids I stared at the first day of school freshmen year. We looked scared and anxious then. Not much has changed over the past 4 years. We've lost a few, but today I still saw the freshmen in everyone. The wide eyes, and blank stares that speak louder than words. We're kids, kids being let loose on the world. We've been educated and informed, scolded and praised. We've made some mistakes and learned a few hard lessons, but we're still so naive. We have tentative plans, go to college and major in something or another, graduate, get a great job that pays alot of money and start our lives where and with whomever we want, but the truth is, we don't have a clue. We're merely trying to have a future, any future because the thought of going from 12 years of structured planning to the idea of just living life the way it comes scares us to death. We just want it to be what we've always dreamed of because right now that 's the only thing we know, ourselves.
graduation is on the 22nd. I think when refering to this day Beethoven said it best "friends applaud, the comedy is now over"
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