Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
2004 January
2003 December
2003 November
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| goodnight has never seems so bad |
| 07.08.04 (10:12 pm) [edit] |
And I have to admit that disappointment's never felt so painful. That I've never allowed myself to be so sure of something before and been wrong, but I guess there's a first time for everything. I've never felt so strongly that I could share something like that, never known anyone who would respect it the way I thought you would so you can only imagine how much more it hurt to be wrong. And I have to wonder if this is one of those red flags people are always talking about, the ones they only see when they reflect back on their mistakes. And I can't help but think that maybe everyone's right, maybe this is wrong.
And as much as I want to say it's just another bump in the road and things will staighten out soon, I have to worry that this could be a bump that becomes a mountain and then your worst fear, because everything's clearer from up there. Up there you can see life without the practical side of things and when you take those things away all you have to stand on is that promise that this is what you really want, but that has to go both ways.
|
|
|
| |
| a flashback so real I could almost hear their voices |
| 07.08.04 (7:17 pm) [edit] |
|
Today I was stuck in traffic and running late to work as usual but how somehow figured I could still make it on time. And that annoying traffic from the interstate to 190 was yet again my downfall. Thankfully someone let me in and when I looked in the rearview mirror to wave a thank you I recongnized the couple in the car behind me. It was that maroon mini-van I knew so well and those friendly faces I spent so much time with. But of course it wasn't them because that's impossible. The Walters now live in Mississippi and are not the family I used to know. Mrs. Carol left us about 6 years ago now and Mr. Fred has long moved on. Valarie has gotten married and Tyler is now well into his childhood. And as for Lesley, yes Lesley with a y not an ie, is a complete mystery to me. I only wish those memories were that tangible, that they could be right behind me, that I could see them again, but I know that's impossible. I knew that at the funeral when Lesley wouldn't talk and during the service when Mr. Fred broke down. I knew then that things would never be the same and I still to this day wish I'd been wrong about that. But I'll always remember them the way I knew them, before cancer and broken hearts were apart of the picture. I'll remember the Walters as the family who taught me the most about love and loss and moving on and how the best people never get what they deserve.
|
|
|
| |
| one of those days when you laugh so hard your side hurts, and it's the best feeling in the world |
| 07.08.04 (6:40 pm) [edit] |
Yesterday was a feel good day. From working out to dressing up, we had a blast. Kelli and I decided to visit sean at work and after an awkward conversation with the hostess we finally sat at the table that reminds us of that week when everything felt numb and surreal and when we smiled the brightest and laughed the hardest...those were the days. Kelli and I got hit on by guys who were drunk enough to feel good about themselves but not drunk enough to have an excuse for the lame pick-up lines and pathetic conversation. (and I have to think how hard adam would laugh to know those infamous words,"hey y'all", were used as an invitation for company and how wrong they were) And I'll never forget Kelli's face as she tried to hold in the laughter and my polite conversation with one-word answers and how relieved we were when sean came to our rescue. The way they tried to sneak away from the table without being too embarassed and how ironic we thought it was that we were hit on while being waited on my boyfriend. "In sean's restaurant...you'd think they'd have more tact." And as simple as it ended, with a walk centered around the one thing only we understand and everyone wishes they understood...it was an awesome night. Cute outfits, good food, drunk guys, free coffee, laughing, shopping trips, caffinated best friends, and 2 miles of good conversation...I smiled a lot that night, and it was one of those nights when you lay down in bed, sigh and smile because things are that great.
And we saw him again today and it only made me more upset. Something about our past and present makes him something I can't ignore or even get used to. He's one of those memories that refuse to fade or even get dusty and I hate how he feels like that's okay.
|
|
|
| |
| sometimes you just want to believe what you know not to be true |
| 07.06.04 (11:56 am) [edit] |
|
When people tell you that these are the days when everything's different than it used to be they don't mention the changing. How you spend the first half of that carefree summer tying up the loose ends of the life you were so comfortable with and the second half pumping yourself up for the long hard drive that lays before you full of new experiences and chased dreams. The don't mention the dread of the past fading and the fear of the future coming; the way things seem so perfect right before they change forever. They don't tell you how you're going to miss everything you never knew you had, or how true the statement "life's not fair" will become. They leave out the part about how much you miss the simplicity of what your life meant or how much you'll want to not know where your going to be in 10 years. They forget about the money and time you don't have and the memories you wish you'd made but they'll tell you the truth...everything's different.
|
|
|
| |
| dreaming isn't a separate part of life, it grows right from it |
| 07.06.04 (11:41 am) [edit] |
|
Last night I had a dream that I ran into an old friend from school and everything was still okay, we were still excited to see each other and anxious to catch up on old times. All I remember is the huge smile on his face and a long, tight hug followed by a sigh of relief and that wonderful sense of familiarity. And I woke up feeling thankful that I have people that unforgettable in my life. I hope that town treats him right and those guys don't ruin the only good thing they'll be around because they need him to learn from.
|
|
|
| |
| when I woke up today there were tears in my eyes... |
| 07.04.04 (5:56 am) [edit] |
|
Today is the forth of July, a day generalized as a picnic, watersport, outdoorsy, family day that literally goes out with a bang. Everyone makes plans to bbq and everywhere you look you see cut watermelon and potatoe salad because it's just that kind of day. We made plans to do the same, follow the trend and host a get-together to add to the celebration. People will be there, frinds we haven't seen since graduation, friends we won't see again til the 10 year reunion, frinds of friends, boyfriends of friends, whoever wants to be there because it's a party. We planned it out and it should be a blast, plenty of food, some night-time fireworks and a good cook to make sure everything's tasty, but things seem to change a lot these days and normally with no explanantion and as much as I wish I could be excited I know tonight will be just as unexplained as the rest of them, I can't help but think we might be eating raw burgers.
|
|
|
| |
| the hourglass is small for a reason, the important things can't wait |
| 07.03.04 (10:16 pm) [edit] |
Waiting...it seems like the cruelest form of torture. I hate waiting. Waiting for something, for someone, waiting for the beginning, waiting for the end. Waiting can only make things worse. It forces you to think, consider, analyze, and regroup, and at the end of this process something is decided, whether or not it's acted on, a decision has been made and you are no longer where you were before. You've made progress, whether or not it was positive, you're somewhere new and you can never go back to where you were before even if you wanted to, even if he wanted you to, even if that was the only way this would ever work, but you can't...life lesson: have priorities, make them honest, and don't let the things that mean the most to you wait for you to be ready for them, because you'll realize, but only when it's too late, that those where the things that can't wait.
And I sit here tonight and reflect on the many times I've waited for something I considered worth waiting for and I'm disappointed to realize that normally they weren't worth it and even more disappointed...not even disappointed, hurt, genuinely let-down, to finally understand that this won't be an exception.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
